Frustration and hope

I’m frustrated. Frustrated that I had mildly disturbed sleep last night (one bad dream) and that this has triggered another severe migraine. Frustrated that I can’t currently see properly and that the tapping of the keys as I type this is painful. Frustrated that I’m currently signed off work sick as my employer refuses to put in place any of the reasonable adjustments that I requested prior to employment, so my workplace is making me more ill. Frustrated that my employer is using my sickness as a stick to beat me with, rather than helping me to address it with low cost (or free) adjustments to my working environment. Frustrated that I will probably lose the job I’ve desperately wanted for a long time because of this. Frustrated because they should know better. Frustrated that I have a clear treatment plan in place at King’s College London, but that I will be waiting six months to get the treatment. Frustrated that it took me ten years to get that appointment at King’s. Frustrated that the government are starving the NHS of money so that they can use these sort of statistics as an excuse to sell off this great institution for profit. Frustrated that all that has been suggested to me in the interim period before I get treatment by my GP is “mindfulness”; strangely, deep breathing has not yet improved my health. Frustrated that my life has been “on hold” for the past decade. Frustrated at lost career opportunities, travel possibilities and general lack of quality of life.

But I’m trying to remain hopeful. Hopeful because my Theraspecs just arrived, and maybe they will help with my general light sensitivity and the awful lighting at work. Hopeful that the treatments I will get in six months time will be effective. Hopeful that even if current treatments don’t help, there are new ones on the horizon that could be revolutionary (although, also frustrated that my migraines were “too chronic” to get on a clinical trial for this new drug). Hopeful that the proofreading course I’m taking will pan out, allowing me to work more flexibly as my health allows. Hopeful, because every day I’m surrounded by supportive friends, who can always make me laugh, and don’t judge me for cancelling plans yet again. Hopeful, because I can still laugh at myself; I look absurd most of the time, with ice packs/Cefaly/giant pink glasses on. Hopeful that one day I might be able to go back to live music events, or even occasionally have a late night without a migraine catastrophe occurring.

Hopeful that things get better.


Damning statistics

I have chronic migraine. This is something that developed quite suddenly; I’d had 3-4 migraines throughout my life previously, but then aged 21, I got a migraine that didn’t go away for two years. I’ve now had ten years of getting more than 15 days of migraine per month (which is the main diagnostic criteria for ‘chronic’ migraine as opposed to ‘episodic’).

I’ve tried a plethora of treatments, but none have stuck. I’ve struggled to get my condition taken seriously by GPs (the gateway to further, more specialised treatment) and subsequently have only managed to see a neurologist four times over the ten-year period. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel, as I have finally been referred to the world leading neurologist, Professor Peter Goadsby, at Kings College London. Sadly, my appointment isn’t for another six weeks, but I’m trying to remain positive.

I had stopped keeping a migraine diary, as I found it depressing and it had not helped me to identify any triggers, but have started again now there is the possibility of new treatment on the horizon; and thought it might be useful to share the statistics to give people an insight into my current condition.

I’m using an app called Curelator at present, which makes some great claims about being able to identify triggers and protectors, but I think it is struggling to work out mine as I have such frequent migraines.

On the diagram below a pink blob is a migraine day, a blue day is a pain free day. The 19th January was the last day that I didn’t have a migraine. Which was almost three months ago.

Migraine calendar overviewAnd that’s why I stopped keeping a diary. I find it really difficult not to look at this and give up all hope; during this time period I have stopped one medication and started another (neither of which appear to have any real positive effect as you can see), and started a new job. A job I felt so amazing about getting, in the field I’ve wanted to get into for years. I’m desperate to do well at this job, but sadly my health is proving to be even more of a barrier than normal. I only work part time (for fairly obvious reasons) but have already had to have a lot more days off than I would normally have anticipated; it’s a six-month probationary period, and if I was my manager I would be seriously considering sacking me on capability grounds by now; if I’m not able to be in the office, I’m not able to do the work.Migraine stats cropped

This is a particularly bad patch for me, but is unfortunately not as unusual as I’d like. Some days I’m able to function relatively normally with only a ‘mild’ migraine – my head only feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice or is just dully thudding like the bass at a loud concert. On others, I’m completely incapacitated, trying to deal with the sensation of a railway spike being driven repeatedly through my eye, visual disturbances, extreme sensitivity to light and sound, inability to form coherent sentences and vomiting. On those days, the only thing I am capable of is retreating to bed with several ice packs wrapped round my head to try and sleep it off. Even after the migraine itself has passed I have to deal with the postdrome; a feeling not unlike a hangover, with extreme fatigue and a general ‘spaced out’ feeling.

This illness has taken so much away from me over the years, part of me is determined to try and keep my new job and to excel at it. The other (perhaps more sensible part) suggests that maybe an office job is not something my health is capable of withstanding right now; which then begs the question, what on earth do I do instead? Sadly, my illness is not severe enough to qualify for any sort of disability benefits, and I need to earn money somehow. Answers on a postcard please!

But, there is a lot to look forward to; a clinical breakthrough appears to be in the process of being made with regards to a new migraine treatment. Four different companies are researching it, the new treatment targets the CGRP neurotransmitter using antibodies, and has had some amazingly positive results in early clinical trials (such as reduction in migraine frequency by 75-100%); all four are now in the final stages of testing, and if this is successful could be available in around three years.

Sometimes acceptance of this condition and the havoc it wreaks is difficult. But, I always live to fight another day, try another treatment and get as much as possible out of whatever hours I am able to; I’ve got some great friends around me. I’m hopeful that my new neurologist will be able to give me some other treatment options, and maybe this time we’ll find the magic combination that gives relief in the long term.


Also; go and read The Lumberjanes. It brings me so much joy.


Life drawing… on a stag do?

Stag and hen parties have undergone a strange transformation in recent years. Time was you took your friend to the pub, got drunk and fondly reminisced about all of your youthful adventures before they got married. Things are very different now; that night in the pub has morphed into what has to be the most epic night/weekend/week EVER. This is turning some city centres into post apocalyptic wastelands at the weekends (hotspots such as Blackpool, Brighton, Bournemouth and York have particularly suffered); complete with outlandishly costumed packs of intoxicated people reaving across the cityscape toting dangerous weapons (generally inflatable penises/sheep/sex dolls).

There has also been a rise in stag and hen party foreign tourism  – of the roughly 3 million British people participating in these parties in 2010 70% of them went abroad and according to the Foreign and Commonwealth Office 24% of those that go abroad get into difficulties whilst they are away (experiencing problems such as theft, assault, injury or arrest); only one third of tourists were adequately provisioned with contraception and nearly half didn’t have travel insurance.

With the average spend per person on a stag party now an eye watering £195 and many costing a lot more, there are now many companies out there keen to create a package for your party, whereby they will organise all of the activities, travel and accommodation. appears to be one of the largest “all in one” purveyors and will happily organise trips in the UK, Europe and further afield.

On their website you can choose by Activity Type, and this includes categories such as “Bars and Clubs”, “Football”, “Driving” etc but also has a section called “Don’t Tell The Mrs“.This gives a mind boggling 35 options to choose from, lots of which are lap dancing or stripper based, but it also includes:
– Anti-stripper
– Body-eating
– Boobie-wrestling and mud wrestling
– Lesbian Dinner party
– Sexy Hitch hiker
– Life Drawing Class

Don't Tell The Mrs Section Header from

Don’t Tell The Mrs Section Header from

The idea of an “anti-stripper” is to embarrass the groom by forcing him to interact (ideally in public) with a woman who doesn’t fit society’s narrow beauty standards. Hilarity will always ensue as the website assures us:

“Stitch the stag right up with the antidote to strippers everywhere! His face will be a right picture when he sees what you’ve got in store for him on his stag weekend. We can sort you out with any kind of anti-stripper you like: roly poly, ugly as sin or ancient! Catch the groom unawares in the shower, humiliate him in public with a 10 ton monster or whip out the smartphones and capture his look of horror as the ugliest girl in town starts flinging her knickers at him. Perfect for a laugh, you can book an anti-stripper in several of our stag party destinations. Some of them are local legends, who have been scaring the pants off grooms to be for decades. Cheeky, cheerful and loads of fun, they’re the ideal antidote to all that yelling and grabbing! We can arrange for as many anti-strippers as you like, and they’ll usually perform anywhere. Ask your stag party co-ordinator to find you the perfect ugly, hairy or just plain scary lady, and the ideal location for her to get her kit off in. We recommend breakfast time at the hotel for maximum giggles!”

I find the image that they’ve used on this page particularly hilarious; THIS is supposed to represent the epitome of bodily horror and ugliness? A little bit of cellulite? She’s still got a thigh gap for fuck’s sake.

The women being used as “anti-strippers” have overstepped the societal boundaries set out for them by being overweight or not conforming to arbitrary beauty standards like removing their body hair (or, even worse, both!). However, because they will still take their clothes off (for the purpose of shaming the groom with their “scary” bodies) they have attained the status of “local legend” and are seen as being fun in spite of their physical imperfections. But why is it a badge of honour to receive a lap dance from a conventionally beautiful, thin, young depilated woman and completely mortifying to have the same from an overweight, older, hairier one? Both have had to be paid to perform the service; neither would have done it of their own free will without money changing hands. Surely that is where the feeling of shame should be coming from?

Another option is that of a “sexy hitch hiker”; your limo driver on the way from the airport (this is one for those who have gone abroad) to your hotel comments on a forlorn looking lone woman by the side of the road, and how “she’ll never get a lift”, you encourage the unsuspecting groom to agree to picking her up… she’s initially shy but grateful and when she learns you are a stag party, well, what else could she do OTHER than strip for you right there and then in the limo? And what a complete LEGEND you are for arranging this sexy stitch up surprise you fucking genius you!

The reason I started this nightmarish journey into organised stag parties was because my friend was at a wedding last night and during the speeches the best man mentioned that as part of the stag celebrations they had been on a life drawing class, and this really didn’t sit well with her at all. Before you call me a Feminist Killjoy in the comments, a life drawing class initially seemed like a pretty odd choice for a stag party. And then I did some thinking, and some research…

A life drawing is one made of the human form from a live model. It has been considered a key part of artists educations for hundreds of years and figure drawing is an element of most fine art and illustration courses.

Historically, women artists were prevented from studying nude models (male or female) as they were deemed inappropriate and even dangerous to the mores of proper young ladies . As life drawing and the mastery of anatomy gained from its practice was such a fundamental keystone of an artistic eduction this essentially excluded women from being regarded as anything other than “hobbyists” in the art world. This systematic denial of the basic training required relegated women to the less well regarded forms of painting such as still life and landscapes. See Linda Nochlin’s essay Why are there no Great Women Artists? for more information on this fascinating topic.

So, interesting historical digressions aside, searching the internet for “life drawing stag party” seemed like an odd thing to be doing. But you get 105,000 hits. This is not a niche activity; it appears to be quite the trend – and it’s on’s list (hallelujah!)

“Tell everyone you got a little culture on your London stag weekend without going anywhere near the National Portrait Gallery! Nude life drawing is the stag activity we’ve all been waiting for. No one can complain about the fact you’ll be looking at a naked woman because it’s “art”.”

So essentially, this is a way to get to ogle a naked woman, but it’s not tawdry like a strip club; it has a micron thin veneer of respectability, a cloak of supposed cultural relevance to hide the experience’s essential objectifying nature from “her indoors” (remember, this is still in the “Don’t Tell The Mrs” section of the website).

The description continues “Nude means nude… She’ll be pretty, in her 20s or 30s and have the whole girl next door thing going on. No fake boobs or nasty tan lines”. Wow, we are really getting down to brass tacks here; obviously if you were going to a life drawing class to learn to draw and generally master human anatomy the gender, age, physical attractiveness, presence of breast implants and if they have any tan lines (?!) would be completely immaterial; you’d go to the class and draw whatever model was available to pose on the day.

But you aren’t going to this life drawing class to pick up any real artistic skills. You are going to look “at a naked woman because it’s “art”… and of course it gives you the opportunity to give you the chance to get up close and personal with some lovely naked female flesh without getting into trouble with the future Mrs. Make like London’s famous artist group and flirt your face off while you sketch”. This is an invite to objectify.

It’s particularly fascinating to me that amongst the sea of stripper/lap dancing based activities on this website the list of physical requirements for the model for this are almost the antithesis of the stereotypical “stripper” trope (I recognise that lap dancers are a very diverse group of women, but this website appears to have a very narrow world-view) and is explicitly stating that the nude model will have the “whole girl next door thing going on” with “no fake boobs or nasty tan lines”. I looked at several websites offering life drawing for stag parties and they all listed very similar qualities in the women being offered up for these sessions; that they would essentially not resemble typical images of strippers/lap dancers.

This all helps to reinforce the respectability of this as an activity. Some sites suggested it as a good option where the father of the bride was going to be in attendance for example and that this would make the traditional strip club option awkward!

A google image search for “life drawing stag party” further increased my deep sense of unease about this as an activity;

Nude model surrounded by 13 fully clothed men. From

Nude model surrounded by 13 fully clothed men. From

here we have one naked young woman surrounded by a group of men who all know each other, may be already drunk or are drinking (most providers also include some booze as part of the package) and are being expressly invited to objectify and to comment on her naked body as part of a group bonding activity (and indeed, as on, to “flirt their face off”). They are not being asked to approach it as a serious artistic enterprise, but as “art”. The pictures of a lone nude woman surrounded by13 fully clothed men highlights the massive power imbalance here and puts me in mind of the Robin Thicke/ Pharrell Williams “Blurred Lines” video which features the same dynamic (and attracted much controversy) but at least that did lead to this hilarious feminist parody 

This sanitised leering (as my friend so eloquently described it) does not make this a somehow “better” option that those going to a strip club; you’ve still gathered in a group and paid a woman to get naked for your own personal gratification, even if it has been shorn of its more smutty connotations. This is still objectification, it’s just had an artistic glaze applied. Trying to dress this up as an art class is an affront to artists, and telling women that they have “nothing to complain about because its “art”.” is a childish silencing tactic; I’m pretty sure your wife or girlfriend won’t be putting the results of your efforts above the mantle-piece when you get home from the stag weekend.


Before anything else; a definition. 

Feminist: A person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. 

(This rather lovely definition comes from the author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie who was also sampled by Beyoncé on her last album)

Watch Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s whole TED talk, it’s fantastic.

That’s it. The entire thing. That’s all it means. Not so scary eh? A common misconception about feminists is that we are all “man hating” and that feminists want to oppress men in some way. Feminism is just trying to redress the balance of power that has been so demonstrably skewed for hundreds of years. After all, supporting gay rights does not mean that you wish to disadvantage the heterosexual community and by the same token, supporting the advancement of women’s rights does not mean that you wish to disenfranchise the menfolk.

But what’s that I hear you cry? Sexism doesn’t exist any more! There are laws against it now! There have been for years. What on Earth could you still have to complain about?

Well, we still only have 29% of MPs in the UK being female (support the 50:50 Parliament campaign here); the pay gap is still 19.1% (as per the Fawcett Society, which is pretty bloody woeful; the EU average is 16.4% and in Slovenia it is a mere 3.2%) and we still have Nobel Prize winning scientists like Tim Hunt openly espousing incredibly sexist views.

A couple of blatant examples from my own life:

– aged 21, working in a University administrative role with three other male colleagues at the same level of seniority. I’d been in the job longer than my colleagues and was demonstrably more knowledgeable. My boss assigned me photocopying, typing and tea making tasks whilst giving my male colleagues tasks that were actually part of our job role (that he was happy for me to do prior to them being employed, while we were short staffed, of course). My boss also asked “Why didn’t I wear heels to work?”. I was also paid less than they were (I found this out at a later date otherwise I would have gone on the rampage).

– aged 22, still with the same employer, I was in a relationship with someone else on my team. Everything was above board and my boss knew about it. The week after I told my boss about the relationship he asked me in my annual appraisal if and when I would be having children with my new boyfriend and what my plans would be at that point “obviously you’ll give up work”. None of these questions were asked of my boyfriend in his appraisal immediately afterwards.

I could go on all day with my personal experiences, both large and small. Friends of mine have lost their jobs when they’ve become pregnant. A truly horrifying number of people I know have been sexually assaulted or raped (often by people they know). Domestic abuse is still prevalent and services to help the victims and rehabilitate the perpetrators are being continually cut. All huge topics; all possible future posts methinks.

There is also the constant drip of tiny everyday micro aggressions; the sort of things recorded in the Everyday Sexism Project (if you aren’t already aware of this, check it out immediately; Laura Bates’ accompanying book resonated with me so deeply – I recognised so many unconscious things from my youth that affect my thinking even now and the messages we are constantly bombarded with).

The fact that so many people can be so vehemently, violently, vitriolically opposed to granting women equal status as human beings (because that’s all we are after, we just want to be recognised as fully human) is quite frightening. That when women politely ask to be treated equally they are greeted with a torrent of abuse, rape and death threats is pretty telling about how some people feel about the status quo (spoiler alert: it suits them quite well, thank you very much). This was nicely articulated by Helen Lewis “The comments on any article about feminism justify feminism”. No where do you want to stray below the line less than an article about feminism; truly, here be dragons. No, not dragons, dragons are cool. Here be some of the terrifyingly fucking creepy shit that lives in the really deep sea. Stuff that frightens angler fish (as you’ll see from the link, male angler fish get a pretty raw deal).

Finding a voice…

I’ve been considering a blog for a very long time, but always felt that a good blog needed to be specific, targeted, written by someone with expertise in one niche area. I lack any specific “expert” qualifications, but do possess a boundless curiosity, and maybe writing about things that I personally find fascinating will be enough to interest others. Or I’ll just add to the legion of rubbish blogs out there. The balance of probability is perhaps against me, but humans are famously bereft of an intuitive statistical reasoning ability, so I guess I’ll just carry on regardless!

Crafted and framed by me. Pattern by I am the third Conchord.

Crafted and framed by me. Pattern by I am the third Conchord.